Hello there friend, we meet again. This is our normal 5 am meeting time, so I can’t say I’m surprised to see you. I knew you would be waiting for me today. I brought my coffee. I’m hoping the hot cup wakes up my brain and enhances our time spent together. I thought about you last night before I fell asleep. Probably too much actually, about the words I would use to greet you. I know I had several ideas planned out, but here I am staring at the blinking cursor, and I don’t remember a single one.
I know you are full of possibilities. I know that each morning when we meet, magic could happen. I think that is what keeps me up some nights. I think about the wonder our time could hold, only to be disappointed most mornings. It is not you that disappoints me friend. I am thankful you are here every morning. It’s me, and the garbage I bring most days to our time together. I swear I have original thoughts, good stories, and beautiful words hidden somewhere in this mess that is my mind.
I spend my days taking care of precious humans that provide endless opportunities for writing material. Like the way my daughter struggles to say goodbye to anything, including her own lost teeth, or the hair that fell to the floor during the haircut she spent weeks begging for. Did you know that Jamaal Williams broke Barry Sanders' Lions rushing touchdowns record last night? I do, because my middle son is obsessed and his obsession is becoming contagious because my mama heart invests in all of the things his does. My oldest son will be 16 this summer and the amount of feelings I have about that alone could fill a book.
But, here we are again. I am too busy telling myself I am the world’s worst writer, and that no one cares, even a little, about what I have to say. The metaphors, original thoughts, and prose are buried deep under heavy blankets of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I’m sorry friend, but I am far too preoccupied wallowing in self-pity to actually write anything of quality right now.
I’m sure tonight while I’m cooking dinner, or taking a shower, it will hit me like a bolt of lightning. THAT idea, THE thought, the ONE I was desperate to bring to you this morning. The story weaving together perfectly in my mind, stitch by stitch forming a beautiful patchwork of the moments coming together. I will spend the time I am doing the other thing thinking about how great it will be to greet you the next morning with this wonderful story. However, come our rendezvous, I will probably not bring the beauty that I believe exists in my mind.
Instead, I will bring a lot of garbage. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. I am going to pile the trash of words up and just keep piling. Afterwards though, I think if it’s ok with you, I’ll spend some time digging through the garbage. I’ll hunt for pieces of that story that are buried in the trash. I’ll pull those pieces out and set them aside while I get rid of the rest.
Maybe those pieces will help bring the wonder and magic to our time together. Maybe those fragmented sentences and thoughts are the start of something bigger, something better. Something, anything, meaningful. I won’t lie friend, I hope they are.
But I know, if they are not, you will still be here to greet me tomorrow morning, and the morning after that. I know that every day I am brave enough to show up to our time together, you will too. I know that you will continue to take the words I bring, no matter the quality, and help me make sense of the world.
Thank you, blank page, for reminding me of the grace that lies in a fresh start. Thank you for the space to process my life and document my stories. It is because of our time together that I know that beauty and wonder don’t exist in the product, but rather in the process. I’ll see you again tomorrow, friend, and I am very much looking forward to it.
image taken by my dear friend Chelsea Mazur Photography
This made me laugh, smile and reflect.
I love this, Dani!
"The story weaving together perfectly in my mind, stitch by stitch forming a beautiful patchwork of the moments coming together. I will spend the time I am doing the other thing thinking about how great it will be to greet you the next morning with this wonderful story. However, come our rendezvous, I will probably not bring the beauty that I believe exists in my mind."
So relatable.